The boys are back in town

Alright so I have left the glory that is the UK. I won't lie to you the flight back was dismal- I cried for about the first two hours. This was extra special because I was sitting in the middle seat in the middle row- so no one really noticed my emotional instability. Anyways I made it hoe and it is good to be back because of my family, and the AMAZING nephew that I have. I really like to see him everyday- that and suntan because its bright and sunny and been 30 degree everyday.

Right so as you can see I'm blogging even though I'm not traveling anymore. I figured I'd give my friends who live far away form me now something to look at to keep track of me- or something for me to do while I'm unemployed to keep me from falling into the grips of low esteem and depression. So we'll see how long it lasts.

Well why don't I tell you somethings that have changed since I've been gone:

-my house and bedroom seem a lot bigger then I remember.

-I have no cell phone and feel naked

-wal-mart expanded (really bigger?!)

-Ellen got a bit more lesbian-esque and is on American idol??

-x-factor is really hard to watch over here but I will not give up the dream

-there is a new traffic light by my dads house- pain in my ass

wow those are all really thrilling.

Lady Hen Boy Night

Right so last weekend me and all my coworkers headed out for a night of celebration and good ol' fashion shenanigans. Basically the plan was to meet for a cocktail, head on down to the tent in the meadows to gaze upon the lady boys of Bangkok and then see where the night takes us. Well it took us straight to me getting made a fool of. But that will come in time. First: the lady boys.

This show was the most incredible spectacle of the eyes/confusion of the mind I have ever witnessed. Basically its men dressed up as women while the lipsynch and dance around in sequin outfits. HOWEVER, when I say men dress up as women, I mean the fittest men with better bodies then the cast of the hills and tucking abilities that would get their mothers guessing gender, and by lipsynching I mean choosing epic audio gems and choreographed re-enactments of unforgettable movie scene such as- prep your self- Pretty women- with an Asian Richard Gere and five Vivian's in blue and white dress/blond wig number; Dirty dancing with ball room dance number with Baby and Johnny (the former taller then the ladder) including memorable lift move. And my personal favorite Unchained melody, Potters wheel Ghost scene. That one rocked me like a hurricane.

Another great part of the show was that there were a number of men and women in the audience that would get up and dance and sing along with the numbers, my favorite was a blond with terrible extensions that fell over midway through the second act while singing along to a Grease medley.

Once we were riding a wave of excitement I was pulled into the washroom and told it was actually going to be my 'hen night that night' and was dressed up in an outrageous outfit and everyone was given masks that said they were my bridesmaids. We went bar hopping and pretty well wreaked havoc where ever we went. We were collecting donations for my honeymoon as well (actually made about £75, which bought all our drinks and my groceries the past week and a half).

We ended the night at GHQ (aka Gay Head Quarters) where we partied with all the lady boys outside of costume - in regular ladies clothes. Stunning. I obviously got my picture with one of my new friends, and I'm not exaggerating but I look haggard and terribly unattractive compared to this stunning lady boy- and not even because of my horrid facial expression. See for yourself.

(please ignore the french maids outfit and focus on the fact that the person beside me is a man.)

Fringe-really good fesstival; terrible hair choice for Rachel

The last few weeks I've been chillin with my home skillets in Edinburgh. It has been a whole new world here since I've been back because its been the Fringe. Edinburgh has the biggest Fringe festival in the world for the month of August, and it also brings a bunch of other festivals into town, like a gigantic comedy festival, fringe of the fringe, and the ever important international book festival.

The festival means that the population basically doubles with tourists, there are things to do here 24hrs a day, there are street performers everywhere, free shows, and celebrities walking around try to catch a glimpse of me all the time.

I've seen quite a few good shows. The first one I saw was actually just before the Fringe started and it was put on by one of Sarah's mates, who wrote a screen play and had it preformed. It was a pretty cool show and really introduced me into the indie feel of the fringe.

I should mention that I picked up a few shifts at Starbucks or as I like to call it now the abusive lover I can't stop going back to. Anyways the shifts have all been on George street which is a major tourist area and part of the fringe. So basically I talk to excited North Americans all day, as well as performers in the fringe. I have made a new friend at George street her name is Libby, is a Canadian/American depending on what you're looking for, who is from Utah and my new ticket and free accommodation to the Sundance film festival. Booya. The good thing about this is that my whit and charm has landed me free tickets to a few shows. One free shows I snagged was a stand up show by Greg Behrendt- aka the author of 'he's just not that into you'. He was hilarious, and I of course made an ass of myself by laughing like and obnoxious trucker on some sort of volume enhancing drug. Libby was welcomed too my comedic world with this delicate display.

Ive also gone to quite a few shows by myself that have been hilarious. My first official fringe show was entiled a Ruddy brief history of swearing. It as hilarious, and informative ( and included the Japanese curse baca!!). other shows that I've seen have included numerous stand up shows, street performers, comedic book reading, and the Moscow state circus. The later was and 80's costume/music spectacular, focusing on the life and times of Rasputin via high flying acts, clowns, and cross bow dazzlement. Could you ask for more?

I went to a stand up show on a whim a couple nights ago performed by a man named . Paul Foot He is the biggest spaz in the world who has the most outrageous haircut and flails around the stage and told three jokes- one about vans, one about loneliness, and the final one on seeking revenge on bed and breakfast owners via a "red Indian" themed psychological nightmare. It was hilarious and I also enjoyed that Russle Brand was among some of the other 15 people in the crowd (now BFF's BTW).

I have one final tid bit for everyone before this long ass blog is over. It has to start however with an explanation of a tv show over here that I quite enjoy. Its called Nevermind the Buzzcocks. Its a quiz type show that has celebrities and musical guests on two teams that basically just make fun of each other and answer a couple of questions. The link I put up there is a particularly good episode because it has Amy Winehouse on it. Now this show is made even better by its host Simon Amstle whom I've developed a crush on because of his stringy body type and witty humour. So I enjoy this show, and Simon just so happens to have a show in the festival and Sarah and I just so happen to be walking through the Pleasance ( a beer garden surrounded by festival venues) when low and behold Simon strolls by. I of course say the first thing that comes to mind to Sarah "OMG its Simon Amstel, I have the biggest boner". Simon comes a little closer and laughs quite loudly- I see this, as anyone else would, as a sign to strike up a conversation. "That's quite the laugh you have there" I say. " I know I really have got to change it" Simon says in a rather coy tone. "You know I've been told the same thing, but I think its got character" I cleverly counter, finishing with a cheeky giggle, and possibly a hair twirl. "You give my friend a big boner" chimes in Sarah with a clever grin creeping across her face. At this Mr. Amstle distorts his face into a horrified/confused/disgusted(/intrigued??) look and simply walks away. And by walk away, I mean right out of the beer garden never to be seen again. Great.

PS. the next show I'm going to see is "The Ladyboys of Bangkok"

Flat Art Attack

alright so I'm back in Scotland- Edinburgh to be exact of course and from the lack of blogging it should be clear that I have been having an amazing time.

I'm living with my friend Sarah and Claire and they are great flatmates- both are artists which makes for both an entertaining and at times slightly frightening living situation. I shall give you some examples:

Claire enjoys writing songs in her spare time. My favorites are two ukulele numbers one called Sigourney Weaver- about the disaster that is Sigourney's hair in the Alien movies, and another that I'm not sure the name of but has a lovely melody with even lovelier lyrics. My favourite lines go 'I thought you loved me but you gave me chlamydia, well at least it wasn't aids, a. i. d. s., aids.'

Sarah on the other hand likes drawing pictures. Some of my favourites are on t-shirts with clever puns, others are violent and scare me- like the birthday card she drew me, or the pictures that are sometimes on the mirror when I get up in the morning (they often cause me to cry myself to sleep).

The recent art that has entered in this particular fashion came from a conversation that Sarah and I had about how we would do our hair for an upcoming wedding. Sarah announced that she would be doing her hair in a queef. I cleared my throat and asked her to repeat thinking I had surely not heard her properly. Alas she repeated it just as I had heard.

She asked me what the face I made was for and I explained that I think that the meaning of the word must be different and she needed to tell me about what she was talking about. Apparently in the UK queef means an elevated hairdoo usually poofed up in the front- not air escaping from a vagina in a fart like fashion like I had initially thought. Once we had a good laugh about it I was off to bed. The next morning the word queef had been written in speech bubbles all around the tub- something that really wakes you up at 7am.

Magical Madrid

after a blog mini-break I'm actually going to finish up my summary of my Roman/Spanish adventure. I failed to inform you about my time in Madrid.

I was in the capital city for a few days by myself and really had no idea what I was going to do there because I basically just decided to go because I got a ticket for free and only a tenner for my bag. So off I went, armed with a hostel booked and directions to get there.

Well I arrived in the evening to a nice quiet hostel that was in a neighbourhood that was quite obviously in the middle of the gay district (this will come into play later on in my adventures). My room had six beds in it, of which three were available for me to chose from. I decided to chose a bed near the back of the room, mainly because the other two beds were end to end- and by end to end I mean that if I had slept in one of them I would have been touching feet with the person in the other bed.

There was a girl in the room at the time who said she was just about to head to a flamenco show with another guy from the hostel and asked me to join. For sure I was joining in this adventure. This flamenco show was traditional to the max. It was all in Spanish and the first bit appeared to be some sort of play like ghetto set up of a practice session with the musicians where the main guitarist- who I would describe as being a Spanish version of David Suzuki- would stop and talk to the audience or yell at the lighting and tech guys. Turns out the guy we were with is from California and spoke Spanish and he said what was really happening was that they were not acting, Latino David Suzuki was actually pissed at the venue and the dancers just hadn't got their costumes on yet.

Luckily the second half of the act included costumes, amazing music, and some crazy ass dancing. There is insane passion in the dancing and I've never seen feet move so face- or faces look like they are passing kidney stones, or having a zipper installed on their ass cracks.

All good though me and my new friends strolled around the busy squares afterwards, and they told me about some things that I should see and they told me about a huge flea market that happens in the streets on Sundays. My new little friend was going to go and we decided that we would head down together. But first things first we obviously needed a coffee from Starbucks. Shit doesn't open until 9 and its only 830- but don't worry there are still people out partying from the night before who would like a coffee at this point too: enter stereo typical camp gay couple and their token short fat flamboyant friend. These men were amazing. Short/fat guy whom I will now refer to Latino Danny Devito had a directors scarf on and waved his arms in the air like e was surrounded by flies.

He took one look at my friend and yelled 'you are very gay'. He was convinced of my friends gayness and explained in various ways how he was gay. We were laughing hysterically and then learned the phrase- you are more gay then a peseta; which is a very pretty Spanish coin. Anyways they ranted on and on and Latino Devito talked about my lovely blue eyes for awhile until the store opened. He then went in and stole a bunch of caramel waffles and pissed off all the employees.

It was off to the flea market which was actually the largest flea market in Europe= amazing!!! I got some fantastic stuff and had a wonderful time looking at everything from leather to used light switch sockets- interesting.

The rest of Madrid I went around the city and art galleries and found a bunch of peacocks in the national park which I then chased and collected the feathers I scared out of them as a lovely souvenir.

Barcel-oh-no

After laying out on the grassy knol for a few hours, I realized that I severely burned the back of my legs- mainly in the knee-pit area. What did I expect? I'm in Spain for God's sakes, I was fairly dehydrated, I'm in the company of one of the most tanned people I know, or have ever known, and some how I figured that this was the day that laying in the sun would result in a glorious, golden tan (I had enough insight to lay on my stomach because I thought I had had enough sun on my face and shoulders that day).

We continued to wander aimlessly in Barcelona, checking out markets again- can never see too many beaded necklaces, and walking cane widdled out of drift wood. Barcelona is home to an Architect/designer/Artist named Gaudi who designed all these bazaaro but really cool looking buildings. Em and I took a long walk to find some of them. The final stop was the Gaudi Cathedral- an amazing gigantic church that looks like its melting kind of. It has been under construction since the early 1900 and won't be done until about 2020. Crazy bones.

Well Emily was out of Barcelona the wee hours of the morning so it was decided that instead of paying for a hostel for herself she should stay up all night and take the bus to the airport at 3am. Well really it turned into us having dinner and then both falling asleep in my bunk in my room in the hostel until 2. Emily left then and I continued to sleep. Alas, it was the end of the Emily European adventure with me.

Not to worry though i was headed to Madrid in the morning, and who knows what was awaiting me there. Actually, who did know? Not me certainly, I had no idea what there was in Madrid, I just booked the flight because it was free.

Tapas(out)

Right so Barcelona + Rach & Em = awesome.

We spent the first full day there wisely, mainly hanging out on the beach. We found these concrete seat things to lay on and lucky for us they were Right in front of a big jungle gym looking thing that was actually a big work out place on the beach. Now by work out place, I really do mean children's jungle gym that had been held captive by a number of older, very tanned gentlemen in speedos doing lunges and jumping jacks.

This treat to the sense was more then anyone could ask for, but alas we were blessed with more stimulation when one senior in a white booty short number really got into a set of chin ups. He then worked his way into hanging upside down from the chin-up bar (aka portion of monkey-bars) and attempting some sort of aerial crunch. You may think to yourself isn't that dangerous? Well don't you worry he was wearing his running shoes with large black tube socks the whole time so his feet were protected the whole time.

After I got a few work out ideas from the Jungle-stud-gym, we wandered around looking at some of the markets and kiosks and such. Got a couple cool things, you know the usual, fresh fruit, friendship bracelets, leather Austin power-ish boots.

That night our hostel was putting on a tapas and flamingo night so Em and i decided to join in this adventure. So basically us, a group of Aussie guys, a couple Aussie girls, two 'my new haircuts' from Miami, and a gangely,-fanny pack-enthusiast German were headed out to discover some Spanish classics. First stop tapas. Tapas= not enough food considering they are giving away sangria at the same time for €1 each. Good times none the less. Got chatting with a few of the other people on the adventure. Em got cornered by a man name Danny; from Germany, wore a fanny pack (we nick named him Fanny Danny). Description of this guy- he was probably originally cast to play Foggle in Superbad, but then they decided not to give him the part because he was a bit too awkward.

Next, Flamingo! Head into a small little club with a little stage. A few musicians take the stage and sit down with a singer. She starts singing, or was she just stabbed? The face she made while singing would lead you to believe the latter. Her singing however was quite good, and the guitaring and such was good. What we could not figure out was what a younger gentleman was doing on stage with them- ah I see he was resident clapper- trained for years. Well a few minutes in our worlds were rocked by the dancing. A middle aged looking woman came out on stage with what I would describe as a standard flamingo look: tight black dress with polka dots on flared skirt bottom, slicked back black hair with very important slick-to-face-curl-sideburns. She moved crazy. That's all i can say.

We moved on to an Irish pub where everyone decided it was a good idea to take a chalkboard with all the shots on it and try all of them. Em and I left there early and spent some time sitting on the side of the road. Really just getting to know ourselves a little better- soul searching if you will. The next day was spent lying face down on a grassy knol.

Travels and Tribulations

Off to Barcelona to with me on a flight around 3. This flight was hilarious because they announced about half way through the flight that they would be selling smokes on the flight that could be smoked then. I actually was like was the shite. I have never heard of this in my life- only in Italy would this be even remotely possible. Alright so I'm so so on guard about this, pretty well ready to flip out when the guy comes out and explains to some people keen on the idea. What these things actually are, are sticks that look like cigarettes, but you don't light them you just put it on your mouth or whatever and nicotine seeps into your body through your lips. I was laughing so hard by this point. The best part was that it cost 6€ for two of these bad boys. Everything about these things screamed rehab.

After a long flight and quick cab ride to the hostel I was in Barcelona, and reunited with EMILY! Amazing! So I got there about 1130pm, so obviously we went own to Los Ramblas for a pitcher of Sangria. After so much chat and a whole lot of laughter we headed back to the hostel was some rest.

Em and I were in different rooms so I went back to mine, and by this time it was about 2 so I really tried hard not too make any noise and wake my neighbours. Well apparently it didn't matter because at about 5am two guys came in and were chatting rather loud. this was annoying however they weren't done yet. One of them dragged a table across the ground, while the other sang a little song. This was so maddening however the last straw was when one of them threw up all over the floor. I love hostels. Don't worry though when they were sleeping at 10 the next day I slammed a bunch of stuff around and had a spontaneous coughing fit.

Two Scoops

Day two I was going to actually get off the bus and explore a few of these places. I walked around teh coleseum, went in teh Pantheon, and got so many tourist pics it was great. I was exausted by 3 and came back to the hostel for a nap until 5, had some dinner then wanted to see af ew of the big sights by ngiht. I convinved a guy from the hostel to come with me to avoid mugging, so we hopped the metro and went to Teravi fountain. Incredible.

Of course in Italy you have to have Gelato so we went for one of those. Well let me tell you, I was wearing a grey sweat pant material dress- we're talking minimal shape, borderline un-attractive, however comfortable and good for 40 degree weather. Well apparently this dress is hot stuff because the Italian man at the gelato place asked where I was from, said he loved it there, I was beautiful, I had a nice body, and gave me my ice creamm for free. Well as if I wasn't uncomfortable enough, he then asked me if my boobs were real. I acutally laughed right in his face and then bolted. Its a good thing that cone was so good so I forgot about that- until a police officer said Oh la la to me today. I can't catch a break.

Today I saw basically everything you should see when you come to Rome. I went in the Colosseo, the Roman Forum and St. Peter in Chains Basilica. then I went to Vatican city and saw the sisteen Chapel and unfortunatly for me my brain is mush because it has been blown too many times here in Rome.

Don't worry though everyone I'm on my way to Barcelona tomorrow to mett Emily and I'm sure we'll do a lot of education things and reconstruct my brain- or lay on teh beach and drinkl wine.

Isn't it Rome-Anttics

Well I hopped on a flight to Rome on Sunday morning. And by hopped on I mean that I had to get up at 4am, walk to the bus stop and wait there for an airport bus then get on my flight at 6:30. Waiting at the bus stop meant standing in a down pour of rain. Thank you Scotland, thanks big guy. Anywyas I got to Rome at 10 and then had to hop a bus to get to the city and my hostel.

First impressions of Rome- looked a lot like Mexico. I was astonished- palm trees, huge dirt patches, graffiti EVERYWHERE, and some speratic garbage piles. I was actually thinking to myself is Rome actually like the Sixth sense of cities: everyone has heard its amazing and then you actually get there and everyone has kept the big finale a secret that its actually a dump. Now before you go telling everyone that I said Rome was a dump you have to read further.

I had to get another bus to my hostel. I wrote the dirrections wrong of course and did a full lap on this bad boy. I lookeed cool doing it too with my huge back pack and hoodie I was sporting in 30 degree weather. so I ended up finding myt hostel and setting up shop by noon. Really cute hostel, small but everyone is really nice.

I decided since I got my ass out of bed so early I mine as well take advantage of a full first day in Rome. So far still thinking that Rome is still a pile that everyone has jsut decided to keep quiet about, but I go to the train station where there are a bunch of hop on bus tours and I decide to hop on indeed. There are approximatly 1 billion different companies, but they all go to the same place. So I found a cheapish one and got on. I soon realized after paying that I had infact chosen a Christian tour of the city- why would I do that. No panic thoguh when you think about Rome's highlights are all Christian and so all the tour's are like Christian ones; no missing out there.

A few minutes into the tour we get out of skeez land Rome and things start looking up. Less graffiti, no garbage, and the buildings are staring to look like what I had imagined. I went around for a bit and sight-saw: vatican city, the coleseum, the roman forum, the Teravi fountain, Circus maximo, so many things, a lot of which were created in B.C. time- my mind exploded.

Adios Edinburgh

Alright so that last week I was chilling out in Edinburgh still. Doing lots of things that I didn't get to do. I took a tour of Mary King's Close- a hokey historical type tour with ghost stories and the whole lot. It was quite fun actually. Well I had fun, however the girl who screamed and cried through the whole thing seemed to think other wise. It was outrageous actually the panic this kid was expressing. It was underground, so fair enough a bit creepy, however there were no jump out things or ghosts walking around. Listen up parents. When your kid is crying when you enter the first room of a tour and panicking so much that the tour guide gives her a flashlight so she doesn't pass out in fear, you should probably re-consider the tour. Maybe Lego land would be better suiting- or I know how about a little trip to the doctor's to get some tranquilizers or a little sedation.

Anyways I also walked about the Parliament and had some good days with a few friends that was really really great. Yesterday it was quite nice so I was walking around with my roomies on our way to some paddling pools (I'm an avid paddler now), and had to walk through the grass market, a place lined with pubs. It was quite packed even though it was only noon, I think the nice weather had something to do with it. Quite a few of the pubs had big groups of guys outside the doors. one particular group was actually singing The Live aid 'feed the world' Christmas Carol while one of the group barfed everywhere. No one panic though, he cleaned up on his sleeve and only one of his mates saw (except be and my eagle eyes).

Just a classy memory to keep in mind while I head to Rome tomorrow!!

Arthur's Feat

So I climbed Arthur's Seat the other day. I tell you this because I've been wanting to do this basically since it stopped being unbearably cold so the fact that I finally did it is about time. So my adventure began by checking the weather outside- good news it was neither overcast or pouring down so things were different then usual weather here. So sun for me means another step to the day- sunscreen on my pasty white limbs. And then I set out

Arthur's seat is a big hiking hill just beside the Scottish Parliament and Holyrood Palace that overlooks the whole city. there are a number of different trails, but I mainly wanted to go straight to the top. I chose the path I thought would get me there and set out. Well I chose this steep-ass outrageous trail that I walked for about 20 minutes when I reached the end of it it was a bout half way up. No good. SO I set out on another trail- success. In no time at all I found myself at the top and took it upon myself to sit there for about a half an hour. It was beautiful and I of course took a personal photo shoot- results: hideous.

After that I headed down the royal mile to partake in one of my favorite activities now that I have time on my hands in Edinburgh: watching busker shows. Or as I like to call it 'Hobo Motivation Hour'. There are more then usual because the fringe festival is coming up and its crazy with tourists. May favorite so far is a kid- probably about 17- who juggles. Fair enough man I can't juggle and I certainly don't have as cool of a hair style as he does with his faux-hawk with spindly long side burns gelled to stick out straight out to the sides. This kid juggles or whatever but if anyone heckles him he just stops his show and packs up. That's it- no more show. Has a little hissy-fit and packs up his stuff. Now I have seen him complete his show. Mainly juggling, terrible jokes, and then he gets two men from the audience, stands on there shoulders and proceeds to talk for about ten minutes (not exaggerating) about money that you should give him. Bit of a prick.

Going to Rome, Barcelona, and Madrid next week!

Frolicing In The Meadows

So traveling has stopped for the time being. I made my way back up to Edinburgh to chill for a couple weeks and take in some of the things I didn't get a chance to while I was working. It has been really really good. I've been staying with my friends Sarah and Claire and they are the best ever. Can't say enough how awesome they are!

Anywho, spending the days walking around has been pretty fun. There is a big place called The Meadows- basically a huge grassy knoll type where everyone goes when its the slightest bit warm. There is a big free pitch and putt at one end, then a few fields and pathways, and cricket pitches. Not going to lie when I say everyone goes down when its nice out I mean that everyone seems to go down there and drink until they can't stand up. Lots of people just having wine with picnics, or a beverage after work. But there are also a smattering of inebriated children and shady looking junkie types.

So I'd been going down in the evenings because there are usually a few cricket games being played and I thought I'd try and figure out what the shit the frigin game is all about. (I still have not a clue beyond clues how cricket works, even after numerous evenings of watching ancient men in white shuits run about). So I grabbed a bench off to the side and started watching one evening. A bit into my cricket stalking a group of sketch ass drunk people sit at the next bench. These people were really classy, four guys one girl. They were sharing a couple bottles of Buckfast (a real classy wine cider-ie-majorly-caffeine-shit-mix alcohol that is cheap as dirt and gets people really drunk so its often the choice for down on their luck alcoholics). The girl was yelling most of the time. Couple of the guys were talking about how funny it was that they had stolen a TV from a store a few days before and had to go back and steal the remote because they forgot it the first time around.

I was just minding my own business and watching the cricket. That was until the cricket ball got whacked my way. I went to throw it back and I have obviously been out of sports much too long because I managed to actually throw it directly in the direction of the dunk bench. Shit shit.

So the person who I almost took his head off with the ball was like what the hell so I did all I could and apologized profusely. Good news he was like no worries and just laughed. However Girl- who seemed most drunk- decided she had better come over and talk to me. Well her name was Jade and she had most of her teeth still. She was smoking weed and told me all about her boyfriend, who also came over to talk to me. He wasn't as lucky to have as many teeth as Jade but I told her she was very lucky to have him. She introduced herself, shook my hand, and gave me an unwelcomed kiss on the cheek. No good.

There friend came over as well to chat of course. (I also got a peck on the cheek from him, also not very welcome). He seemed the least pickled which was great. He decided to chat with me for some time, about many things, like his friends and how wasted they were, places to avoid in Edinburgh, slang he used as a Scottish person, where I'm from and how he wanted to go there for sure. So if you ever run into a slightly shady looking Scottish man named Bruce, my name is Sally and I'm from California.

Bonjour!

So I arrived in Paris and it was madness. Apparently the day I came was the longest day of the year and in Paris its celebrated with the Fete de musique and a huge festival. there is live music EVERYWHERE. it was the coolest thing. I checked in my hostel and then walked beside the canal near my hostel. It was unreal. I got a video of an old guy rocking out to a dj, people creating their own marching band in the street, and much impromptu dancing. One thing that really caught my attention was the attendance of a certain person in each of the groups of people I saw dancing around the various music events. This would be the "awkward old white guy" (AOWG for short). This guy was more then likely a tourist in each situation because all of the AWOG's I witnessed this night had either a large hat with awkward brim, or long neck covering, or some sort of man purse/ fanny pack combo strapped to his body. While I did in fact see at least four separate AWOG's during my exploration of Paris this night, my favorite had to be the one enjoying the traditional African music. He found it appropriate to go to the middle of the watching crowd and 'get his grove on' as I'm sure he would have described it. This guy actually put his fanny pack down and did some sort of pepper grinder dance to the African drumming- everyone really enjoyed it.

After that excellent introduction to the city I went for a tour the next day. So I saw all the good stuff: The louvre, Arch du Triumphe, and of course, the Eiffel tower. Really really cool to actually see all these things. Of course I went up the tower and saw the view. On the tour I met a few Aussie girls who were staying at the same hostel that I was staying at. Really great people. however, all the aussies Allie and I met seemed to be from Melbourne so we're pretty sure that there is no one left there.

Anyways these girls convinced me to go on a pub crawl with them, put on by one of the tour companies. So we headed out and met the guide- these guy basically just yelled a lot, liked to swear, and pretty well just spazed out constantly. Well the crawl was super fun and we made it out to quite a few pub and met tonnes of cool people. Basically the crawl is to show people places to go, gives people on the crawl drink specials, and then they give you some rancid shot for every drink you buy. The drink specials are some different weirdo cocktail at each bar followed by the free shot- which equals hang over city.

The next day I was traveling back to Scotland. To get home I had to take a forty minute trip on the metro, a hour long bus trip to the airport, an hour long flight, and then a hour long train. Alright then no problem. Step one metro- well this was going fine except for my whole 15kg backpack on my back that I had to stand up wearing through the whole forty minutes, meanwhile the heat and smells of the metro actually required me to focus and take deep breaths like no other so that I didn't hurl everywhere. Bus trip- went better right off the bat- I got a seat, and I got to sleep. No worries though, the rest of the trip went well as well. And Edinburgh had never looked so good!

Brussels- where people just take shits in the street, and leave it there

Brussels, Brussels, Brussels. Well Brussels is in Belgium for those who did not know. Belgium is the home of waffles, good chocolate, and Mannekin Pis. Mannekin Pis is a statue in Brussels that many people flock to see. Its a fountain of a little boy, naked, pissing. Actually water coming out a statues pines. It is suppose to represent a story where a little boy saved the palace from being blown to bits by peeing on a bomb. Anyways its fantastic, and people love it so much that they make outfits for it all the time with strategically placed holes of course. When we saw him he was dress as God knows what with some sort of alien pasta strainer on his head. If this is not enough for you then what will really dazzle you are the hundreds of shops carrying innumerable items in the shape of a small boy peeing. We're talking magnets, postcards, bottle openers, earring, aprons, it goes on. i think my personal favorite was the cutlery set with small boy peeing handles.

Right so Allie and I stayed at a hotel here because they were just as cheap as a hostel. Well we were living in luxury with the two single beds- smashed right together. Honey moon suit for sure!

Anyway besides this great sight the city of Brussels also offers the aroma of straight shit in the air constantly. That's about it. No offence Brussels but didn't really do it for me.

We went to Bruges for a day trip though which was a really cool place. It wasn't bombed during world war two like most of the rest of Europe so all the architecture and scenery is preserved and looks kind of fairytale-esque. There we climb a clock tower and strolled around (it only smelled like shit at the very entrance of one particular building so that wasn't to bad). We went to a Church as well that is the sight of a miracle in that they have some of Jesus' blood. I touched it.

Well Brussels was the place that Allie and I parted way as well. I was to take a train on to Paris, and Allie a flight to Dublin, and then Edmonton. Well while Allie boarded a shanty train to the airport followed by major delays, I boarded a train. Oh did I mention it was first class and somehow got it for cheaper then a 2nd class ticket. Oh and it came with three course meal including smoked salmon mouse, fresh strawberries and wine. Minty.

Luxembourg- where people shit gold bricks and then spend them.

Next stop Luxembourg. This was kind of a random stop on our trip but we fit in there and just went for it in Luxembourg city. when we got there we had a bit of trouble finding our hostel. We were wandering around ( I was chatting on the phone with Heather not really helping) and this greasy long haired boy came up to us and asked if we were looking or the hostel. We said yes and apparently so was he- even though he had stayed there the night before and was just out for the day he couldn't remember where it was. Anyways we wandered around this place and eventually found the place. I realize by this time that we had not introduced ourselves and went to do so. Well this person introduced them selves as "Fishy" and I knew from then on I was avoiding this dude like the plague. Allie told me later on that his name was quite fitting because before she even knew it she was going to refer to him as sour patch because of his aroma.

So we settled in to the place then went to find some dinner. Well in Luxembourg its apparently a task just to find a place without valet- let alone somewhere we could actually afford to eat. We ended up finding a pizzeria type place and walked into to the chef asking us how we were. Allie answered by yelling hungry. Well this proved a good move because we got free appies sent to us by the kitchen. Besides this we decided to grab a beer at this place- just a local one, you know try the true Luxembourger experience. We got this stuff called Leffe (actually from Belgium) and it tasted just lie Kidney beans.

After dinner we walked down a canal and saw lovely sights- huge swarms of mosquitoes, some sort of derelict house being used as a anarchy clubhouse, the usual. When we got back to the hostel we wanted to ask where a good place for Internet and all that jazz was since it cost an arm and a leg to use at the hostel. Well the waste of space behind the counter responded with and I quote "well if you girls want to get wasted you pretty much have to go to town and one of those pub or whatever". I say sorry I was looking for an Internet cafe. he says oh yea I think they are opened till midnight. We just bypassed that question all together and asked him how to get to a walking trail. He was so helpful- actually had no idea what we were even talking about and kept talking about getting wasted. We decided to just give up on this turd and go to bed.

At this point Allie and I had been reading the last two harry Potter books aloud to each other on the trains. I now uber geeks, but passes the time. So we were over tired at this point and I decided I was going to come up with some spells. Well I saw a bike tire that had popped and thought I could come up with a spell to inflate it. Well in Harry Potter a lot of the spells end in '-io' so I went for the most obvious choice of yelling infellatio WRONG. I'm pretty sure they wont' be using that one in the next movie.

Luxembourg has all these fortified areas and underground castle tunnel things so we adventured in a few of these. We realized that we have been going underground in quite a few of the cities we visited, quite interesting. We also realized that Luxembourg is a little right for our blood, and it was time to move on the Brussels.

Hear the Bell Run like hell

Amsterdam was awesome!!!! There is almost as much barf on the street there as there is in Edinburgh. The whole city is just canals everywhere, everyone ridding bikes, really liberal (obviously) but just an overall good vibe in the city. We were booked in a Christian hostel which was bizzaro not going to lie. night prayer and surveys about how you pray is not really what I'm looking for in a hostel. However it was clean and a decent place to hang your hat at night so not too many complaints.

Bikes there are crazy!! You get out of the train station and there is a three story car park- filled with just bikes. You are way more afraid of getting hit by a bike then a car for sure! Its is hilarious because you see a mom with a kid in a bike seat in front of her... and then two more kid's seat behind. 4 people on one bike it was hilarious. Also I think I saw one person wear a helmet the whole time. Not even the police on bikes wear helmets- they actually usually have long hair all down waving in the wind. Also when there is a bike lane in Amsterdam, that apparently means that if you are on something with two wheel you cna go for it. Bikes, scooters, motorcycles, htye all rip up these little paths.

Anyways Allie and I were pretty pumped on finding some traditional pancakes and found a great place called Sara's pancake house. I'm about 90% sure she is not originally from Amsterdam, or Holland for that matter, but she still knew how to make some good pancakes.

So basically our days were filled with exploring all the canals, going on tours, and dodging bikes left right and centre. The funny thing about tours in the city are that locals there are so tired of tourists that they actually yell liar at tour guides to make the tourists think that they are getting some crazy tour. In fact they tell you this is going to happen before you even start tours so that you know they aren't just stringing you along. Sure enough the first one we went on an old man with a fist full of fries yelled at our tour guide about being a liar. Quite the sight actually.

However it wasn't the best interruption of a tour on our trip to Amsterdam. We also went on a tour of the red light district. this place is bizzaro. Ladies in windows to be purchased for sex. Well we toured around and saw "the sights" You would not believe some of the stuff. A rather large woman was wearing a jean skirt that did not in fact cover her rear at all and I got an eye and a half full of her business. Anyways about part way through that tour an old drunk man- wearing slippers- came up to our tour and started rambling about the district. He actually started calling himself Mary J. Blige and told us that even if you only pay for 15 minutes with a lady that you have to try and stay with her longer, and announced his record was and hour and a half. after this great enlightenment his fun was over because he then announced that if our guide was a prostitute he would buy her for sure.

We also discovered where the best of the best ladies can be found- its a tiny sketch alley just down the road from the Prostitute union office... and a kindergarten. I didn't know where to look- eye contact, no eye contact? what is the protocol. Well let me tell you its not to take pictures. There are stickers on all the windows saying no pictures and one guy attempted. A crazy huge bouncer came out and tried to smash the guy's camera. then we were told that a lot of the ladies have bottles of urine beside them to throw at people who try and take pictures. mmmmmmm.

Once the frolic in the red light district was over we did some reading by the canal and more exploring.

On our final day in Amsterdam we rented bikes and ripped around the city. this is by far the best, and most fun, to get around the city- highly recommended! We rented them so close to when our train left that we actually went to our hostel picked up our packs and then rode back to the train station with them. Hilarious! We are talking about backpacks that weigh about 12kg and go from the back of my head to below the waist. Basically it was a mission to not get thrown off the bike when turning corners. We laughed hysterically the whole way.

Douches of Deutschland

not going to lie. Berlin has waves of stinking like shit. It was built on a bog and there for has nasal assault every half block or so. Don't worry its still cool. While I did tell you of some really great things that happened in Berlin I haven't talked about some of the very best!

First of all there was our experience at the bar that was in our hostel. We went up to the outside terrace where we talked to two guys from Ireland. not going to lie I could not tell you what we talked about because I was too busy staring at the giant herpes cold sore on one of their faces. After that thrilling conversation we went inside where I saw one of the greatest things. A lady was wearing huge heals and was running, bumped into a couch and fell so hard on her on her ass. She was so embarrassed that she had to take a few moments to calm down and walk out. In this time she was taking these moments I was just praying she would leave because the laughter that was building up inside me was threatening to errupt at any moment. One of the greatest physical challenges of my life.

So last time I left off I said we went to a beer garden. By beer garden I mean the coolest place ever. We got traditional schnitzel and beer and just chilled in a huge pic-nic area. Then magically there was a trapeze show. Now this is not just any trapeze show- it was a magical interpretive dance show that was led by an oddly fat old man with no shirt on and waist length hair. It was actually a miracle some of the stuff her pulled off on that high-flying swing. there is no doubt in my mind that he was the choreographer as well.

The next day we left to head to Amsterdam!

Bitchin Berlin

Alright so we were in Berlin- the capital of Germany and a crazy place for 20th century history. I really really liked it there. I thought it was really cool we were seeing all these places where history was made, and really shaped the country, and unlike a lot for the cool history that we had learned about in other countries, this was all during our lifetime.

Lets back track a bit though and talk a bit about accommodation. So ya really good hostel. We were in a four room with two Australian guys. They were also traveling Europe together and were good fun. Easy to chat with and ended up hanging out with them a bit. Allie and I of course didn't remember their name until about two days into staying with them so we referred to them as Mario and Luigi most of the time.

The first full day they we set out on our favourite activity- New Europe Free walking tour! M & L joined us for this adventure and we all headed out after it to see a few sites a little closer. During the tour it was absolutely pouring but we managed to see some really cool stuff: The Reichstag's, Holocaust memorial, Check-point Charlie, part of the Berlin wall, museums, Hitler's bunker, and the hotel Michael Jackson dangled his baby out of. Big stuff.

After that Allie, I M&L went through the Jewish memorial again, which is made up of a huge span of cement block of all different heights that you walk through and its really crazy because you get in the middle and you are totally lost, you can't seen anyone, and its so quiet. Our guide said its still a controversial sight because ti was just built by the government because they felt that it was something that its something that they are embarrassed of and no one can just act like it didn't happen. Really interesting place. Hitler's bunker barley even has a sign by it, its a parking lot now and they only reason they put a sign up was because people in the neighbourhood were tired of being asked where it was.

The next day Allie and I went on a Red-tour of Berlin. It was focused on the communist rule in Germany and the division of Berlin itself. On this one we saw huge pieces of the Berlin wall, some of it made into art, the death strip, and heard a lot about exactly what it was like. Our guide was an Irish guy who said he was tricked into going to Kentucky on a soccer scholarship and ended up with the ridiculous degree of History and acting. Anyways this made our tour amazing because he knew so much and would act out scenes and use Russian accents all of the tour- amazing. Another great point was that at the beginning of the tour they ask where everyone is from and Allie and I say Canada and the couple in front of us do to. They ask where we are from and we say and then it hits me- this girl is in Degrassi the next generation. Allie are pretty much BFF's with her now so if are looking for your big break then you can probably be an extra on this low budget Canadian teen drama re-make.

Berlin is full of amazing things- their pedestrian walking man is famous because he's so different then any other countries- his name is Ample man and there are merchandise stores for him everywhere. In the train stations there are food stores call Le Cro bag- think its supposed to combine croissant and bagel, but really it just sounds like some sort of reference to scrotum.

So back to our roommates. When we went on the red tour they went on a concentration camp tour. Before hand on of them cam out of the shower and ask if his hair looked 'concentration camp chic'. Appropriate. After that they were on the mission of their lives to Leggo land. Really historic and memorable I'm sure.

We got on with them really well and actually went to a beer garden's and everything with them (I'll speak about this later). That night they decided to get quite drunk and came back to our hostel quite late. Now Allie, unlike myself who is a corpse when I fall asleep, is a very light sleeper so she hears when anyone gets up. Well the morning after this she woke up to inform me that she though that Luigi got sick in the night. I asked her how she knew. She said well he got up in the night and then the next time she woke up he was back in bed- his friend's bed, and they were spooning. she got up to use the bathroom at this point, and by the time that she got back to bed, he had moved back into his bed. We laughed really hard at this and then figured that there had been other signs. At this point we started referring to them as the ambiguously gay duo and singing in the transformer theme ' ambiguously gay duo, maybe more then meets the eye'.

Braving the bog

Alright so my blogging has been shit because the Internet at the places we have stayed has been either non-existent, or and outrageous amount of deniro. However I'm now in a place where I can blog away- So get ready for a few doozies in a row.

Also for smart ass Freya who commented on the spelling etc. that has gone down hill- I'm working on a time limit here and I have a lot of good material I have to fit in so I have no time for editing- plus you try and use Polish spell check on your English blog and let me know how it works out assssssssssssssssssss.

When we last got together I believe I was just heading from Prague to Berlin. Well heading somewhere means that we had to go to the train station of course. Well in Czech I think that the word for 'train station' must be the same word for 'toilet'. First of all this is the central station in the capital city of a country, and yet it was the most confusing ridiculous place of life. The ceilings were leaking, there were no signs for anything, and it smelled like hot garbage. Once we figured where we had to be to get on the train we figured we'd sit outside on some benches to wait for the train. Well when we chose to sit at a bench we didn't realise that this was actually the communal place for mothers to whip down their kid's pants and get them to pee everywhere. There was one piece of lawn that was assaulted by four different children during the course of us sitting there.

Now I'm going to have a rant- most of the public toilets here (by public I mean any outside of your home) you have to pay for. I'm outraged by this. It really chaps my ass like nothing else- I mean we all have to use them how dare they charge you. Well I'm happy to say that in the course of my now 8+ months of travel I've only succumb to this radical capitalist outrage twice. See if you make people pay, next thing you know you have a kindergarten class defecating on the sidewalk.

Once that shitshow was worked out we caught a train to Berlin with a couple girls from our hostel. Now when I say train I really mean a sweat box of epic proportions. I was drenched with sweat from just sitting in this torture chamber. I went for a stroll in the train and it turned out that it was only our car that was an easy bake oven and we moved... with half hour left in our journey.

After this we landed in Berlin where were booked in at a hostel called Wombats. this hostel was epic, not only because it was clean and has bitchin lockers and a decent resident's bar, but mostly because of our roomies.

Guest Blog #2... should be 4

So I have another guest blog from visitors. Although it should be the fouth or fifth said blog, certain ungreatful guests have not sent one and their window has now passed! Anywho neither here nor there here is guest blog number 2 from Alicia!

For us, Edinburgh was full of amazing sites and very special friends!! We really enjoyed our time with Rachel and Allie, who, ever so graciously gave us somewhere to hang our hats. Despite the ridiculous heat wave in Edinburgh we managed to see many different things. Luckily Rachel had not seen everything yet; we went to the museum and climbed the Scott Monument. The museum contained an overwhelming amount of items.... luckily David and Rachel stumbled upon the child's section and were more than willing to dress-up in costumes (refer to Facebook for pictures)!! We had some good laughs and learned a little bit about history as well!
Climbing the Scott Monument was interesting....... There was a lot of stairs but the kicker was that as you climbed, the staircase narrowed.... there was definitely awkward touching of strangers as one group passed another climbing in the opposite direction. Rachel had one of her priceless moments on our way down, I will try to put it in words, but I am afraid I may not do it justice. (Rachel please correct me if needed). We had to descend in a single file, I was in front and Allie followed me, then came David and Rachel. Once we reached one of the rest spots, another man decided to budge into our line (Rachel was not aware of this) so when she shouted in a hysteric voice that she was flying [But I think she meant falling], she assumed she was screaming at David but in fact it was actually line budger and she had to try and follow this man the rest of the way down laughing the whole time. It was great, such a Rachel moment.
Anyway needless to say we had a great time and I am so pleased that we were able to visit her and meet Allie. Thanks again for your hospitality ladies!! Rachel I can't wait to see you again... come back to Canada soon and come visit me in Prince George :)
~ Alicia and D.Rot

back-blog

haven't blogged in a bit because internet access is scarce in the hostels we were/are staying at in Berlin and Amsterdam. Not to worry though I am having a great time and will be blogging all about these two cities shortly.

you can look forward to:
*Berlin: history history history
*break dancing in the city square
*sphinx
*communist tour with celebrities
*Ambiguously gay roommates
*Christian hostel in Amsterdam
*red light district tour
*current location: "coffe shop" internet cafe.

Czech mark

Yesterday we embarked upon our favorite activity in a foreign land- Free walking tour. These are immense! basically we go around with a tour- who is never from the country that we are touring- and they show us all the cool stuff. Basically our tour guide was name Mike and he was quite good. Hge had an abundance of information, was Canadian, but since he lived in Switzerland for the last 15 years had quite an accent. We also enjoyed his tours becuase he didn't really censor himself; if he felt the story needed an F word he'd jsut go ahead and say it. Wonderful.

So we learned about Prague and its past, about its buildings, and a lot about the religions that make up the city and country. Basically this is a crazy history with a lot of Nazi and communist business. What is really cool is hopw you can kind of see who was ruling at certain times based on building styles and statues. My favourite are some of the communist buildings who show miners and farmers with huge loads on their backs smiling away- WRONG, these people were tired ass and certainly not smiling silly commies!

After teh tour we went up to the castle. The biggest gothic castle in Europe. It was good, but we didn't see a whole butt load because we were exausted and I jsut lost 500 crown (about twenty bucks) like the ass hat that I am. No biggie though we sat outside at a lovely pizzaria and re-energized.

This morning we took a jaunt down to the communist museum. The main reson we went were because of teh posters that it had posted around the city advertising it. Basically they read 'get intimate with history' then showed a picture of Stalin in a bathrobe with ladies fondeling him. Or it simply read 'The communist museum' and had a picture of a Russian stacking docll with fangs. It was a pretty good museum- tonnes of history and Staliny things, but I think the best part are the posters.

Today we a bored a train and head to Berlin!

Czech Mate

Okay so I tries to write this blog last night but I erased it all some how and was so pissed at the computer at this point that I nearly slammed my fist through it. All is well however and I shall attempt again.

SO when I last left you I was in Krakow- a wonderful land of oddities and great hair. The third day we were there we went to the Salt mines just outside the city. here we took a tour down into the mines and saw many glorious things. Our tour guide was a Polish man named Sebastian who's English was impeccable except for his addition of an 's' on the end of the word information. However I really enjoyed this addition and am using it myself now. Anyways we saw a lot of cool things - statues made of salt, chandeliers made of salt, churches made of salt- you name it, I've enow seen it made of salt. I won't tell you a lie I ran my hand along the wall and licked my finger- slaty.

After that we wondered the old town square againa dn visited markets and really just took it all in. This meant that we saw more breakdancing, a beefy Polish accordian quartet and an old man eating canned ham out of the tin with his fingers screaming at the top of his lungs right outside of our hostel. Not to worry thoguh someone whipped a hanger at him from the window above, narrowly missing him, but causing him to stop the screaming... for five minutes.

Krakow was wonderful but I wasn't sure how to really express how I felt about it. That was until we were walking beside some German tourists and one of the late teens steped forward and proclaimed in a voice sounding eerily like that of Agustus from Willy Wonka "I LOVE KRAKOW".

After seeing all the mullets we could handel we hopped a flight to Prague. For this we chose Czech air. Let me tell you if you ewver have the chance- fly Czech air. First of all you are assigned as seat- this aint no Ryan air fen for yourself free-for-all. Secondly when boarding the plane they were playing the theme to chariots of fire. Allie especially like how I took my seat in slow motion. About 15 minutes into our hour long flight we were given sandwiches, and beverages- for free! DE-LUX. I do not however like how there is no customs or security when you arrive in the Czech republic and I therfore have no stamp from here.

First stop- our hostel of course. Oh I didn't realize that in our random search and booking for hostels based on average rating we had signed up for a palatial palace. We arrived to a lovely lounge reception and were immediatly upgraded into a private room. This room is immense. I took pictures because its so boner-ific. There is a rain showere in our bathroom. I've been showering about 17 times a day. Why? Because I can and don't ahve to worry about being walked in on our trying to change into new clothes with out falling over and crashing naked into a common area.

The first day we decided we would take a day trip to a small town outside of Prauge where there is a chruch. A church I hear you say are there none in Prague? Well of course there are churches in PRague, but are these ones made of human bones?!?!!? YA human bones. So we were going to take the bus to this town. It was a mission finding the bus station, but we did jsut in time to catch the bus... or so we thought. We found the bus and talked to the bus driver, then I had to quickly scoot to the cash machine- one meters away- to get the cash for our tickets. Allie was waiting by the bus for me. While apparently "I'm going to get some cash to buy a ticket right now" means "shut the bus door and take off as soon as I turn my back"in Czech. Great MR. Moustach bus driver- I hate you. So train it was!

After taking Ghetto rail to this town we managed to find the bone chruch and take some epic pics. We figured we'd find a couple other of the touristy things in the little town so we set out to find the silver museum. Basically we walked all over the God forsaken place for hours, finalyl found the place, and it was closed on mondays. We took teh train back and settled backl into our luxury condo to sleep away the terrible day.

Prague had to make up some ground to be compared to Krakow.

Krakow- everybody say wow.

So I said goodbye to my flat on wednesday. Tear! I'll miss that place- so posh. And I got my whole deposit back so things are looking up! Anyways after a lovely night at Grace's flat- thanks again- Allie and I set out for Poland!

It was my first flight on Ryan air, and it was fairly smooth sailing. One of the attendants was really into iridecent eye shadow and the early 90's in general and had a matching tacky bad attitude but besdies that no worries.

When we arrived we had to hop a train into the centre of Krakow. We were looknig for the train station adn didn't find it until we were actually crossing the tracks and realized that it was indeed the brick platform with a bus stop sign on it. A two car passenger train that looked liek it was built in 54 pulled up and we enjoyed a lovely 1/2 train ride into teh city. Check-in at the hostel -Tutti Fruity hostel in old town Krakow- went smooth and we were off to sleep.

We are in a six bed mixed dorm. And my mixed I mean Allie, myself and four guys. I actually had no idea who were in the beds in the room until this morning I made the destinction that the tone and amount of hair on an arm sicking out could only belong to a man; possibly a Female Russian Olympic weight lifter.

Anyways this morning we went to Auschwitz. Go if you ever get the chance. I have a lot of pcitures but I'm jsut going to put one up.

In other news Krakow is also the mullet capital of the universe! The greatest specimines I've ever seen. One of my favourites was actually our tour guide on teh way to Auschwitz- Buzz cut to just behind the ear area, and then 1inch to 1 1/2 inch long hair all in teh back. I've coined this style (which is much less rare then it should be) the personal pillow. I've already seen the PP style with a dreaded back option. Heather jsut soak that in.

We went wandering around old town Krakow to the square. Its basically all cafes around the outsdie and then performers and some kiosk in the middle. I'm not going to lie I saw some amazing acts. For instance this angry angry polish man and his Michael Jackson marionette. A troupe of break dancing youngster with stellar moves.

Then we went to a castle that has a dragon's den. Really its a giant set of winding stairs and then you walk through a cave. This si me hitting ym head in the cave. And then when you get out of the cave you end up beside a big freaky statue of a dragon. Allie and I thought it was lame sauce, until it STARTED BREATHING FIRE. But it only does it every five minutes and sometimes it doesn't go that big- like everytime we tried to take a picture of it. Also we walked further along the canal where we found a tribute to Celine Dion- no explination. She had a star umoungst four other Polish people that we had no idea who they were.

Messages to pass on:
*tomorrow we are going to see the salt mines
*the weather has been imense so far I'm quite excited
*I quite like Poland however my lack of Polish as a first language makes me feel like an ass hat about 85% of the time
*one of the men in my dorm slept spooning his suitcase the entire night.

All dogs go to heaven

I know that I have graced you readers with a few good tales in my time abroad, however I feel that they may all be forgotten after I speak of these next two incidents. I shall ease you into story time with a simple observation I made two days ago.

I was walking down the street with Alicia, Allie, and David, past a small grassy knoll with park benches. This may sound nice but I've heard it described as 'the place where the tramps hang out'. on this particular occasion there was one of these 'tramps'- I prefer the words hobo, vagabond, or lost sole- lying on a bench with a bottle in a brown bag beside him. He was "sleeping". Just as we passed an old man with a cane- most likely of tramp staus as well-was wondering towards the "sleeper". We then watch the elderly man approach sleeping beauty, pick up the brown bag, shake it around and then take a huge gulp. Then he poked sleeping tramp with his cane, and walked away. I guess he was just thirsty.

Story number two is in a whole other ball park. It comes to me via my friend Sarah. She comes to me at work and says ya I saw a friend of mine last night and she had a black eye. I asked here was she had a black eye and she says well let me tell you. Well Sarah's friend helps an elderly couple take care of their dog- a lab- by walking it and that sort. one day she took the dog out for a walk in a slightly more woodsy area. Well unfortunately the dog must have eaten some berries or some how contracted something terrible, because they day after the poor dog died. The girl felt super guilty and told the couple she'd help in anyway she could. The couple said they didn't really know what to do with it now, so the girl called up the vet who told her to bring the dog down and she would then deal with it. The girl thought great will do, now how am I going to get the dog there.

Basically her only option was going to be to take the bus. I know it sounds terrible but really the bus is a pretty good option, whatever the decision was made it was going to be dog-public-transportation-hurse. So the girl says yes I'll take it to the vet but in what. I know says the old lady I have this large suit case. Great says the girl, that won't be hard to get on the bus either.

So the dog is put in the suit case and the girl ventures out to catch the next bus. Problem- this dog is heavy-times 1 million. The bus arrives and she struggles to get the dog on. Not to worry I man steps up and says he'll help- shes a little worried and says no no its really heavy don't worry. He doesn't take no for an answer and helps her then say ya that really is heavy, whats in it. she responds with a clever- oh you know cd's and dvd's cause I'm moving flats. Hes like cool I see now why its so heavy. She then proceeds to try and get off the bus. The guy is like oh I'm off at this stop too, let me help you again. So he gets the suitcase off the bus for her as the bus pulls away. The man then punches her in the face and takes off with the suit case. Lets take an intermission and think about what just happened. A man, punches a girl in the face and take off with her suitcase, which he thinks is the best score ever because its filled with electronics, but is actually containing a dead Labrador. What I would give to know what happened after that on his end. The story ends with the girl telling the elderly couple that the dog was cremated- in the suitcase- and the vet took care of it all.

Only in Scotland

Blogging Backtrack

So my last blog was super lame because I totally forgot a whole bunch of stuff that happened. I'm so ashamed, because one of those things was that we went to Loch Ness aka Home of the Loch Ness monster, aka Nessie. Hello what was I thinking.

Last Sunday we took a tour of the Highlands, which a super beautiful and I hope to explore later in the Summer. Basically it was a twelve hour bus tour. It was wonderful because our tour guide was so immense. he was a fountain of knowledge and had the gift of Witty Witty joke joke. The highlight of the trip was venturing to Loch Ness and climbing aboard The Legend. The ship of dreams more like it. Aboard this fair maiden we cruised along keeping our eyes peeled for the beast. We also went by a castle and took some magical photos. Now I will not say if I saw it or not because like the tour guide said don't tell anyone or they'll go and catch it and then there will be nothing in the lake to see and all the people in the tourist shops will lose their jobs and who wants to be responsible for that. Also the tour guide mentioned the Ogopogo- because its BITCHIN. So it was a lovely day I'm glad I got to see quite a different part of the country.


Also-now I'm back tracking I blame my piss poor previous blog and the disorganization, shame on you past self- last Saturday was the Heineken cup final. this is basically the super bowl of rugby in Europe. super big deal. IT was immense because we watched a game in the Murrayfield bar by my house and had a blast when the game was over. The highlight for me would be when a small rowdy Welshman bought my dad a drink then suggested a drinking competition. Dad decline, Kevin however went right for it. Now I'm not going to lie, Kevin was loosing- in a fairly large way- things were looking grim...until the Welshman choked and barfed all over his buddy. Ass this happened I did what anyone else in the situation would have- jumped up on my chair pointed at the man and yelled out 'he barfed' and declared Kevin the winner.

The rest of the time mainly was spent touristing it up and me getting back to work.

Last week was my final week at Starbucks. I'm not going to lie, when I finished in Kelowna I found it hard not to go back and set the place on fire. Here I'm a little sad to see it go and I've pretty much been in every day since I left. I all fairness though its been hotter then the chains of hell here and I can usually manage a free cold beverage out of them so its really a matter of convenience.

Torn Motivator Cuff

So its my last week in Scotland before I start traveling. I'm working until Friday, and I'm not going to lie, its a struggle. once you know that there is an end in sight, the motivation suddenly starts to lack. I am however a bit depressed to be leaving my friends in Scotland. I've meet some unreal people here. And so I'll probably be back here before long at all- like end of July. Set up shop and have a travel bas, plus I have to come back for a wedding in august. Anyways I bid adieu to dad this morning, so they are on there back to the home land. Really cool visit, still can't believe they tricked me like that. Super cool surprise. I got to have most my family here at one point or another and that's so cool and not a lot of people can say that. I really wish Freya and her Vos family could have come and seen the sights, it would have been a miracle, but if its any consolation, everyone who came to visit me pretty much just talked about you Carter and Jason- so way to steel my thunder halfway across the world! Just kidding, can't wait to see you guys either.

Anough of the barfy stuff I pretty much have to clean my flat like mad tonight and get ready for Alicia to pay me a visit!!!!!!

Rachel- df. 1.Old Balls: I may be haggard, but people still want to get down with me

Thursday was my birthday, and until Tuesday I didn't' really have any plans because both my flat mates had told me that they were out of town and I had no idea my devious father was going to be here. Anyways so I planned to have dinner that's about it.

During the day Dad Charlene Kevin and I went to the Castle and did I giant tour. It was good cause I have lived here for however long and hadn't seen it yet, so it was wonderful.

Well I did in fact still go out of dinner and it was immense! Best restaurant I've been to in my life I think I can safely say. Then there is George street in Edinburgh that has a bunch of nice spots to have cocktails at and I had never been. So took a stroll down there and stopped at all the nice ones for a drink. that was wonderful- at one pub got asked to be filmed for some promotional thing and was told they were only asking good looking people- so I'm pretty much a big deal. Anyways we were supposed to then meet up with my dad and friends at a pub near my house. By the time I got there I'm not going to lie I was a bit like Paula Abdul on last run of American Idol- good news though, so was everyone else. It got a bit rowdy and dad and Friends went home while the rest of us headed on to espionage and were ridiculous.

I had to work the next day and everything was fine until about 4pm- then I sobered up and was dying.

This is the only picture I took on my birthday

Surprise= My demise

wow wow we wo. What a week. So let me tell you a little story. I'm sure some of you reading this know how its going to end- to you I say good riddens ass hats- for those of you who do not, friendships still on.

So Allie's mom has been here in Edinburgh visiting and having a lovely time with us. Allie said one day hey how about we go to karaoke tonight. I said well I work till 7 but I'll meet up with you guys there. No problem she says, she'll give me the details later on that day. So after work I mosey on down to the Internet cafe where I have a good ol' time writing my last blog and chatting with Heath- she was giving me links to look at like we like sportz. Anyways, Britt gives me a call and says hey meet us at the bank at 9 for some okey dokey karaoke I was like for sure- this was at about 8:50, so I boot it to the nearest bus stop and arrive at the bank, wear Allie says she is waiting upstairs. I'm fairly tired from work just putting around and I can't find the stairs, just being an overall d-bag supreme. I finally find said stairs and trudge my way up them. When I reach the top I see Allie and her mom, AND MY FATHER sitting there with huge grins on their faces.

Now I'm not going to lie, I saw my dad and I broke down crying like when Gretzky left Edmonton. This ass hat thinks he can just fly across the world and not tell me- I was had; more then I ever have been in my life. One time my friends threw me a surprise party in high school- I'm not going to lie I knew it the whole time- this however, was like if you went to see Oprah being taped in Chicago, and when you get there it turns out its here favorite things special - you just had no idea it was coming and its the greatest ever.

Anyways I gave my dad a big hug, and Charlene, and Charlene's brother came along too, to which I gave a hug and said 'thanks for coming'. I was panicking sorry about that Kevin I was a bit delusional. Anyways craziest thing ever. And everyone decided to take pictures as I came up the stairs so those should be mighty attractive.....

Apparently everyone knew this was in the works- what the shit guys, you actually caused me to loose a good 3 to 5 years of my life as a result of extreme shock- you'll get yours.

Visitor Centre

Horrible horrible up keep of blog. I haven't been getting to the library now that I have to actually go to work as well as have a life that includes blogs. Really really tough, however I'm back and have made a list of what I have to update everyone on. Where to start?!

Well last time I left off Mom was still and town and we all went out with a bang. We went on this bus tour around the city and it was fairly dud status- except for the exemplary moment of road rage we witnessed. Situation went something like this. Male pedestrian- let call him hold his own Henry- jets across the street at an intersection slightly before a small van goes through said intersection. Apparently it was not Henry's turn to cross and the driver of the van- lets call him Fly off the handle Freddie- gets through the intersection and pulls over and runs over to Henry screaming. Now when Scottish people are angry I definitely cannot understand them but I did understand that Freddie's vocab mainly consisted of four letter words. Henry was like whats your problem pal. Freddie is within inches of Henry's face and raising his fists, Henry simply maintains eye contact and listens to it all. Freddie spits on Henry and walks away. Henry just walks on. WTF. Freddie is probably on parole.

The last true night in town was spent on a pub crawl on Rose St. Hit three fairly classic old man pubs on the strip. The third pub we hit would be the most memorable thanks to one John Burns- an old man in for his night cap, he simply sauntered up to our table and told us two doozeies of jokes and then explained more Edinburgh history then we had received on any of our tours that week. He was a hero. Then pretty much we all got bombed and danced in unison in a club. Had mom out til 3am and then I barfed.

Well heather and Kara were up to Edinburgh and there is where Heather celebrated here birthday, along with Clair and Chad who are also now visiting. Well me Heather, Kara, Chad and Clair went out to dinner at some random pub off George street, it was lovely, and then we pretty much went home- Heather is really rowdy in her old age. Britt and Allie were in Liverpool during this portion and missed out on the action of the birthday party, however they came back on we took the girls out for a bit of a night. Basically we went out and came across a gang of friends who were between 6'5" and6'9" each. It was some sort of requirement. I'm not sure who they were or where they were from, but I do know that they spent most of the night showing people how they could all touch the roof. Thrilling

Before Heather and Kara left we went on the whiskey experience and learned all about Scotch, saw the largest collection of scotch in the world and drank some.

Messages to pass on:
*I witnessed a bird murder in Hyde park in London that I forgot to mention- two birds fighting on the water, end up going under water, only one comes up- life altering horror.
*Claire and Chad found that going down to the local pub they found some wonderful friends, like a man named Richard who help us come third in a pub quiz (we were called the 'ogopogo's', then changes our names to 'dummies and that guy in the corner' and then 'dummies and Richard'- I suppose that I should mention that I actually spelt dummies wrong as well.....on purpose of course....)