Soothing Assault

So got a gift certificate for a facial- not one to have bought that for myself but was super pumped on receiving one. So I go to book this thing and after they try to trick me into getting one that is well over the value of the certificate I have I book me some good old fashioned spa time.

So maybe some background on me and the spa: Every single time I've gone its been because I received a gift certificate. I actually enjoy myself when I'm there, I'm just way to cheap to purchase any of these luxuries for myself. First visit to a spa I got a massage- first half of message I just felt really uncomfortable about being naked and touch by a stranger without them getting me really drunk first. Second half I was asleep, and woke up greasy and alone in a dimly lit room as if I had indeed been ingesting multiple cocktails.

So I arrive for my facial and have to fill out this form- I figure its like some mail in thing they use to get your address and assault you with "specials". To my surprise it is questions about yourself and at the top of each column is "earth" "fire" "wind" and "water". I mean if there was another column that said "heart" then I probably would have really embraced this Captain Planet spa, alas there was no "heart" column. I basically thought, OK here we go I'm going to go for a facial and come out categorized by nature and in a cult where everyone has nice skin (could be worse I suppose).

I get through my nature based awakening and start the facial (again I have to be naked even though its neck up) and is is quite nice and relaxing. Things are going good, except when she touches my neck because I have a phobia of that, but thats a different blog all together. I worry at one point that she is going to go over her time and try and make me pay for it- but then relaxing again. And then it begins- some sort of cruel punishment of my pores with some metal tools. Actually had tears coming down my face. I didn't move a muscle basically because all I could think of was I'm paying for this torture and I'm pretty sure I'm going to come out scared and there is no way this lady even finished high school let alone is train enough to be doing what feels like surgery on my face.

well although I'm sure the rest of the facial was very calming but I was too busy having a running inner monologue of "what the fuck just happened" and "what the hell happens in the 60 minute session".

I got out of there alive with a face that was in shock, smelled like gin, and I would probably now classify as "fire".

I have a big zit on my forehead today- fuck you spa.